Contradiction
by Anna Sartin
Summary: The confusion within a traumatized mind is constantly in a state of conflict, and no one knows this better than Hisoka. Angst. Hisoka/Tsuzuki


Contradiction  
by Anna Sartin  


  
Late. Tsuzuki is late. He was supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago and there's still no sign of him. I'm freezing my ass off... where IS he?!  
  
I hate it when he's late.  
  
My mind always starts to wander at times like these, and lately my thoughts are beginning to scare me. My flow of consciousness becomes one long stream of inner conflict; where bad memories, dark thoughts and confused emotions mingle together to create a nightmare universe of self-inflicted pain. It used to be that I could shake my memories and pained emotions easily during the day, even though they'd often return in the form of nightmares at night. However, as of late it has become increasingly more difficult to dispel my own dark thoughts, and on nights like these it becomes almost impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if even my own sanity is just an illusion.  
  
Being alone... scares me.  
  
I gaze out into the night sky with eyes that others claim are soulful, looking yet seeing nothing as I ponder my lone existence. He says that I am not alone, that I will never be alone again, and when I gaze into his unnatural amethyst eyes I almost believe him.  
  
Almost.  
  
I should know better than to believe such words, no matter how much they soothe my soul. I know that nothing is permanent, but still I revel in his sweet delusion. I need it, I need HIM to keep me from drowning within myself. I would follow him to the depths of Hell if it meant we could remain together longer.  
  
My coworkers are beginning to give me "knowing" looks, to suggest that my relationship with my partner is something deeper than friendship. I ignore them, what the hell do they know? What business is it of theirs?  
  
During a mission last week I came out of our hotel room with my head on Tsuzuki's shoulder, clinging to his sleeve like a frightened child after a night of horrific dreams where he burned to death in Touda's flame. I have that dream more often than I care to admit... I wasn't even aware of my close proximity to my partner until someone with no tact whatsoever pointed it out by calling us both an uncomplimentary term. I immediately detached myself from Tsuzuki, blushing furiously, making sure not to get within three feet of him for the rest of the day.   
  
I am not gay.  
  
I have no interest in men, or women either for that matter. In my one horrific sexual encounter I've had enough "intimacy" to last a lifetime. Or after-lifetime. The thought of ever being touched again in that manner makes me sick.  
  
So what if I seek comfort in Tsuzuki's arms in the dead of night when I wake from a terrifyingly vivid nightmare? So what if I let him kiss the tears from my cheeks and whisper words of love and comfort in my ear as I fall back into a warm, dreamless sleep? So what if I love him more than life itself?  
  
I am still not gay.   
  
I **hate** that word. It makes me think of Muraki and the way he relentlessly pursues Tsuzuki. It also makes me think of THAT night, when his filthy body tore mine apart. I'm not like him. I'm not ready to handle anything that would make me feel more akin to my tormentor than I already do. I already have the image of Princess Tsubaki's face burned deep in my mind and I can still hear the gunshot in my head as I ended her life with Muraki's gun. I look at my hands sometimes and I see Muraki's instead, and again I seek the shelter of Tsuzuki's warm arms and calming emotions.  
  
I am **not** gay.   
  
Why am I being so defensive? I'm beginning to wonder just who I'm trying to convince. Myself? Ridiculous, I wouldn't need to convince myself of something I already know.  
  
Would I?   
  
Well, who the hell are they to classify me with stereotypes? Who the hell are they to label the love I feel for another person? I don't desire men. I LOVE Tsuzuki. Just Tsuzuki. I would love him no differently if he were a woman. So if I love a man and claim that I am not homosexual; what does that make me?  
  
A person in conflict. A contradiction.  
  
I am a contradiction.  
  
Muraki is also a contradiction. Outwardly he appears to be an intelligent, rational man. Which he is, when he so chooses to be. Inwardly, his insanity is beyond the scope of human understanding, or at least my own understanding. People fall first to his charm and then to his bloodlust, and at times I almost wonder if it isn't their own fault for not being able to see through him. But such a thought is insane. To say that it's the victim's fault for falling into the trap is both irrational and unfair.   
  
It would mean that Tsuzuki, Tsubaki and every other person caught by that psychotic bastard was to blame for their own suffering... including myself. It would mean that it was MY fault that Muraki saw me that night, when he violated my body and cursed me with a long, miserable death. Maybe it was my fault... I shouldn't have been there. I could have chosen any other direction to walk that night, yet the path I chose led to my destruction. No one forced me to go that way, so do I have anyone else to blame but myself?  
  
That sounds like something Muraki would say. I can almost here Muraki give voice to these insane thoughts, and I'm beginning to wonder if Muraki, and everything else that has happened in my short life span is starting to affect my frame of mind. I feel tears forming in my eyes and I wish Tsuzuki was here now. I'm beginning to understand what he felt that day, when he tried to burn himself and Muraki to death in Touda's flame. I feel akin to him now, and at times I wonder if he's going to be able to save me from myself, the way I did for him. I feel myself crumbling on the inside, but I don't know where to go with all the negativity that's consuming my mind. I wish he were here now, but he is not; and so I am left picturing Muraki's face as I stare at the cold white moon.  
  
I hate him.  
  
I hate the cold, predatory look in his eyes. I hate his knowing smile. I hate the joy that he feels when he sees the fear written all over my face or the hopelessness in Tsuzuki's eyes. I hate the memory of the pain that tore through my body when he ripped me apart, both inside and out, and then left me filthy and dying. I hate the way that Tsubaki adored him, as though he were an angel instead of a demon.  
  
I despise him. I loathe him. I abhor him...  
  
I thank him...  
  
Yes, I thank him. I thank him for one of the same reasons I hate him, which means I'm in conflict again. I thank him for the death that finally ended my misery and gave me what I never had in life; a loving family. Tsuzuki, Watari, Tatsumi and everyone else that I now work with have become my family. They are warm, caring, and accepting; things that my natural family never were.  
  
The people who gave me life are cold and distant, selfish and uncaring. I hate them for this, and yet I often see disturbingly familiar characteristics in myself. I am also cold and distant. I am also selfish. I am also... uncaring...  
  
Tsuzuki says that I am mean to him. I don't care. I see the beaten puppy look in his eyes and realize that it doesn't affect me in the least. I should find it immensely disturbing that I don't mind hurting the person I claim to love.  
  
I want him to live. I told him that I want him to live for ME. Does that mean that his sole purpose in existence is for him to be there for me to glare at and ignore? It makes no sense. I love him and yet I don't care if I hurt him. What's WRONG with me? I have no trouble believing that I'm related to my cold, hateful family. But what right do I have to condemn them for the same behavior I display myself?  
  
I am a contradiction... or at the very least, a hypocrite.   
  
In one way do I differ from those who shaped my life; I'm not cruel. My parents were cruel. Muraki is cruel. I am not.  
  
I think.  
  
I suddenly here footsteps approaching, and I know at once whom they belong to. I ignore them. I can't meet my partner's gaze, or the tears I'm holding back may spill onto my cheeks. Why couldn't he have gotten here sooner, before I started doing this to myself again? Great, now I'm blaming other people for my mental problems. Lately I've been behaving like a spoiled child.  
  
"Hisoka!" the cheerful voice of my partner calls out, before offering a stream of apologies and excuses for his delay. I don't hear them. I nod to acknowledge his presence, but I keep my gaze averted.  
  
Am I cruel to you, Tsuzuki?  
  
Our relationship is changing and I don't know how to handle it. When I glare at you in the morning for being late, scold and insult you during the day, ignore you the rest of the evening and then crawl into your bed at night seeking shelter from my own grim thoughts and terrifying dreams, am I being cruel to you? I never ask you what **you** want. I tell myself it's because I don't believe you'll open up to me, but that's a lie. I don't know if you'd open your heart to me or not, because I've stopped trying. I'm afraid to ask, and I've retreated so far into myself that I've become too self-absorbed to care. I've become a coward.  
  
I feel your arms wrapping around me now, to shelter me from the cold night air. Stop it, I don't want you to touch me. I don't want anyone to ever touch me again. So why do I want to stay in your embrace forever?  
  
I don't know what I want. I'm a contradiction.  
  
I want to cry. I want to cry because I love, I want to cry because I hate, I want to cry because I'm confused.  
  
I don't want to love you... I don't want to face the pain that will consume me if I lose you forever. I don't want to believe you when you say you'll always be with me. It's a lie. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing in existence can be grasped by the same hand for all eternity. No matter the length of time, all that you have you eventually lose. Muraki taught me this. Didn't I warn you against making false promises, Tsuzuki?   
  
You make me believe them.  
  
I don't want to love. I don't want to feel anything at all, ever again. I want to stay wrapped in your emotions, so I don't have to feel my own. But if I'm feeling your emotions instead of mine, isn't that still feeling? If I'm letting myself be awashed by your love so that I don't have to face the fear that accompanies my own love, I'm still loving you, aren't I?  
  
I'm afraid.   
  
I can tell by your emotions that you fear I'm closing myself off, the way I was when we first met. Please don't feel that way. Please don't think I don't trust you. When I was first "born" into this afterlife, I would never have trusted anyone enough to seek solace in their arms. I would never have wanted anyone to see me cry. Now you are the only person in the world I feel safe enough to share my tears with. You opened your arms to me and gave me a home, gently touching my heart and my soul without touching the still-raw scars of my past. A cynical part of me wonders if you just felt sorry for some traumatized kid.  
  
Traumatized. Am I traumatized?  
  
No. NO.  
  
...Maybe.  
  
I don't know. All I know is that I cannot allow my past to overwhelm my sanity, or I could find myself in the same state you were in when you called upon Touda to end your life. My thoughts are confused, sometimes incoherent, and are constantly contradicting themselves.  
  
I feel your lips brush against the side of my head, and I look up curiously as you place a soft kiss there. When did I start allowing you to touch me so freely? I can't remember, and now your gestures of affection have become so comfortable, so... relieving.  
  
"You're doing it again."  
  
"What?" I ask, confused.  
  
"Holding everything in. I can tell something's bothering you..."  
  
Idiot. When did you finally catch a clue?  
  
I sigh, both mentally and audibly. That thought was both uncalled for and unfair, and I'm glad I didn't say it aloud. I try to look away, but instead find myself turned around by your strong arms and held firmly against your chest. I can hear your heart beating in my ear.  
  
"I'm _here_, Hisoka. Please don't shut me out."  
  
I sense the hurt and longing inside you, and it makes me feel guilty. I'm sorry I've become so distant, Tsuzuki...  
  
No, I'm not.  
  
Yes, I am...  
  
I'm contradicting myself again.  
  
"I... wouldn't know where to begin," I murmur into your heartbeat. A lame excuse.  
  
"Try," your gentle voice urges, as your hand begins sifting through my hair.  
  
I'm lost now, my eyes close of their own accord. Love, warmth, gentleness... I want to go to sleep here, and never wake up. I told you once that I wanted you to exist inside my heart, but at times like this I feel more like I'm existing inside of yours. The steady rhythm of your pulse and the waves of soothing emotions that radiate from you make me want to forget myself, and drown within you...  
  
"Hisoka?"   
  
"I don't know how," I whisper, selfishly ignoring your request in favor of basking in the calm serenity your embrace has provided me. "I'm just... not ready yet..."   
  
That's a lie. It's the truth. Like me, it's a contradiction.   
  
"Just... hold me..." I hear myself plead as I tighten my hold on you. "Please..."  
  
Hold me, Tsuzuki. Please don't ever let go.  
  
Your fingers continue to stroke my hair, just as they do when I steal into your bed. I take comfort in the nights that you hold me as I fall asleep, kissing my cheeks and hair in a soothing fashion as your feelings of love and contentment wash over me. Emotions that fill me with peace... with a sweet contentment... and love.   
  
Tonight is going to be one of those nights. This time I won't slip under your sheets in the middle of the night after some nightmare of Muraki, or Tsubaki, or losing you; I'm going to climb into your bed from the start. Maybe I'll try to convey some of these thoughts to you, or maybe I'll just cry against you until I have no more tears left. I need to cry. You can understand that, I know. How many times have you cried in MY arms, or in my lap, or even into my hair when you awaken from a nightmare of your own and I'm already seeking shelter in your bed? You understand better than anybody.   
  
Tonight I'm going to break this silence and try to tear down this wall that's hurting us both. We're always building walls around us, the two of us. The shield you erect to hide your feelings is one of smiles, while mine is a cold silence; but in the end they both crumble, leaving us exposed to the other's identical pain, confusion, and fear. When our eyes meet and we stare seemingly into mirrors reflecting our conflicting joys and sorrow, I understand that you too exist in a state of neverending conflict.  
  
We are both contradictions. Contradictions of our feelings, contradictions of our lives, contradictions of ourselves.  
  
One of your hands suddenly releases its hold on me, and I feel you slowly leading me away with your other arm still draped around my shoulders, holding me close to you lovingly... protectively... _understandingly... _  
  
You are my home. I don't know what's going to happen to us, and I won't make promises that I can't keep. But you are more precious than anything I have ever grasped in this world, and I will hang onto you with everything I've got. Your loving nature is a sweet serenity that contradicts and defies the turmoil in my soul, despite the pain and eternal conflict that I know exists inside yours. You are my contradiction, Tsuzuki. My own sweet, beautiful contradiction...  
  
Maybe a contradiction isn't always a bad thing, after all.  
  
  
  
**Author's Note:** Well, here's my second try at writing a "Descendants of Darkness" fic. I wanted to try a bit of Hisoka angst, with a broader range than the usual "Muraki raped me, Tsuzuki will never love me!" fic. I wanted to emphasize on the constant conflict a traumatized mind feels, rather than writing an unrealistically quick resolve to end it. Still has the usual Tsuzuki/Hisoka though (I can't help myself! Really!). So anyway, please tell me how you feel! Good? Bad? **Review!**   
  
And if you haven't read it yet, I've also written "**It's Just That I love You, That's All**", a shorter, fluffier Tsuzuki/Hisoka piece.   



End file.
